Lessons from Dress Shopping

The Pic that started it all!

This time last year my daughter was trying on wedding dresses. Despite all of the restrictions and shifting plans, I wanted to make sure she got her "moment". I had been front and center shopping with her for jr. high formals, swirls, graduation dresses, homecoming ensembles and cotillion dresses. She always looked fabulous in the end.  I would like to say that each and every shopping experience was filled with fun and laughter and pure happiness, but that would be a LIE from the pit of hell. 

I remember 8th grade when she wanted a basic sequins dress that everyone else had (insert eye roll). It was cheap looking and tacky and was not flattering and I said as much (ouch).  To add insult to injury my equally as vocal mother mirrored my sentiments and added some of her own. My daughters little feelings were HURT. My mom told her it was better to be mad now then she mad later when she wasn't cute. I'm pretty sure a tantrum was thrown, but if you know me at all, you already know that little ugly dress did NOT come home with us! A cute, fashionable, age appropriate dress did. I think she hated it. It WAS kind of boring... My mom picked out that accessories. I think they were pearls. I'm pretty sure she might disown me if I posted the photos, so I will refrain. 

Another time we went shopping, I picked out this fabulous olive colored bubble dress. I even began selecting gold accessories that I thought would go perfectly with it. She scoffed at the gown on the hanger, but already knew we had a "you're trying on everything" rule so off to the dressing room she went. When she emerged and I threw on the accessories, she couldn't help but smile when she looked in the mirror. It was a complete green light when everyone in the area declared "this is your dress!". 

Then there was her cotillion gown. I had actually seen it 4 years early when I was searching for my own wedding dress. I told MY mom that was my daughters future cotillion dress and I was brining her back to get it in four years My mother agreed. I remember the saleslady saying "Wait, you want this dress for your daughter in FOUR years, doesn't she get a say? " My mother laughed at her and said "We know what looks good on her!"  Four years later when my daughter tried that dress on, the people in the area cheered and one potential bride demanded to try it on for her wedding gown.  On the night of the cotillion,  my daughter looked like a beautiful princess. 

Through the years, I learned what would look good on her simply by seeing things on the hanger.  I was VERY vocal about my opinions (no holds barred honest). The good, the bad and the ugly!  One thing about me is, I'm NOT likely to be quiet! 

So back to 2020 wedding dress shopping. The night before, I cried. I cried because I felt old. I cried because we had spent so many years expecting to shop with my mother and she had passed away the year before. I cried because it was "covid times" and there were multiple restrictions.  I cried because I was worried that with the shift in plans it might be impossible for her to find an off the rack dress-after all, my daughter is 6'2. 

Luckily I was able to get it together for shopping the next day. I had watched enough episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" to know that this is ONE time where my role was to gauge what she liked and find the positives in whatever she chose without imposing my selection.  That was not hard at all. She tried on dress after dress and looked fabulous in everything. There was one dress in particular that was a complete show stopper. I mean she walked out and stood on the platform and all the sales people stopped what they were doing to come gawk. The people accompanying the other bride gathered around and even the other bride standing in a gown herself stopped to fawn over my daughter in this dress. I was 99% sure she was going to select that dress, but we had two more stops to make and I KNEW like always, she wanted to try on EVERYTHING. 

Two days later, after already declaring she thought she found the dress, we went to another dress shop. She tried on several dresses and looked fabulous and THEN she put on THE ONE. The minute I snapped the photo displaying the train, I knew THIS WAS IT- but I dared not say it. I had vowed not to be "that" mom. There would be no tears or carrying on to sway her opinion. This was NOT my decision.  

So then we had a PROBLEM. She liked both dresses equally.  She proceeded to ask the small circle which dress she should choose. EVERYONE gave an opinion- Everyone but me. I told her I liked them both and she would be equally as beautiful in whichever one she chose. I swear I felt my mother smacking me in my head  and heard her voice screaming "THIS is the one! What is wrong with you? Tell her!" as she had often yelled at the people on Say Yes to the Dress. Even my daughter got annoyed with my lack of firm opinion. For ONCE in her life the decision was all hers.  

When she made the final dress selection she chose the one I wanted! After making the payment she turned to me and said "I think grandma would have liked this dress!" and she was  right. My mom would have LOVED it. More importantly SHE felt beautiful. 

I tell this story to remind you to trust other peoples ability to choose what's right for their lives. You don't ALWAYS have to chime in. Sometimes it aligns with that you want and sometimes it doesn't. Your job is not to control,  your job is to support and encourage. If you're lucky, you will get your way in the end anyway! Now I just have to remind MYSELF of that as I prepare to welcome my grandson in the coming

Can we get a little commotion for the dress? 
Photo Credit: Kaylee Porter Photography